Thursday, July 10, 2014

Austin's 12 day Journal of his Mortal Life

I haven't shared this with a lot of people but decided to since there are some family members that do not know Austin's story. I compiled my journal entries a long with text messages i had sent to mine and jon's siblings into a little journal of Austin's life. At the very end when he left this earth i did not include. There are some spiritual experiences that happened that are too personal for me to share. This is kind of long so don't feel like you need to read it all. I am forever grateful for my Father in Heaven - for his trust in Jon and I to be Austin's parents. I love this little cowboy so much. Here is his story::: Fri. Oct 11 10:00 am woke up this morning not feeling right. I am not in pain but something doesn’t feel right. Not sure what it is but somethings off with my body. We are supposed to go to st. george today and get me a new phone. 3:00 pm Our trip to town was very short. Once we got down there I started having horrific pains in my stomach. I couldn’t walk. Anytime I walked I would get pains. I called my doctor and am waiting to get a phone call back. The nurse didn’t know if he would want me to go the hospital and go to labor and delivery and just come to his office and have him check me so I guess we will wait and see. 5:15 pm Just got a call back from my doctor. He said to head over to Labor and Delivery at the Hospital. 5:29 pm Headed to hospital. My mom came and got the kids. 7:08 pm Dr Sanders is questioning if I am leaking fluid. Ultra sound came back borderline as far as the fluid. He is concerned about infection inside around the baby. If tests come back positive, he is taking the baby no matter what. The ultra sound measured the baby to be 5lbs 4oz. He has been consulting with the St. George NICU docs. I have been fevering and they can’t get it to break. I just hope everything ends up ok. 7:30 pm They are taking the baby. They cannot give me steroids to help develop baby’s lungs because of my infection. All the test came back negative but my infection still worries him and the NICU doctors. 8:08 pm I got moved to a room and IV’s are hooked up...starting Pitocin. Sat. Oct 12 4:57 am We got a BOY!!!! Weighing in at 5 lbs 3 oz and 18 inches long. I am ok. I have to stay in hospital another day cause of my infection. He started out good but is struggling a little bit now. They told us the first 6 hours are the most crucial so I guess we will wait and see. It is his lungs. They said as of right now he shows no signs of infection but they have him on antibiotics just to be safe. They did a chest x-rays and decided to put surfactant in his lungs to help keep them expanded. 9:07 am Jon finally decided on a name......Austin Wayne Platt. Austin after both my great grandfathers on my mom’s side and Wayne after Jon’s uncle Wayne. Mon. Oct 14 I got discharged this morning...but they said to plan on him here 3 weeks or so. The doc said they are going to try and taper everything down in the next couple of days and see how he does. 6:42 pm He is on 30% oxygen and level 8 on cpap. His blood came back this morning with high numbers for infection so they are going to treat him another 3 days of antibiotics. 8:00 PM Just got home. The doctor came in tonight and told me to plan on three weeks with him being there. They are hoping to have him off the oxygen and CPAP by the end of this week. And then he said it would take one to two weeks for him to learn how to eat! I cant wait to bring him home and love on him without any tubes connected to him. Tues. Oct 15 12:46 pm I just got done holding him for the past 2 ½ hours and loved every minute of it. 6:49 pm Life flight crew just got him settled and are ready to transport him by ambulance to St. George to the NICU. They had to move his IV to his head. I got to see him with his eyes open for the first time...he is so cute!! 8:50 pm Well we are settled in at the NICU. He just wasn’t making progress so they are hoping with the lower elevation he can do better on his oxygen and breathing. I am sad to leave Cedar. It was convenient having my sister live there for someone to visit. I am thankful for all the doctors and nurses over there that took care of Austin! They did a fantastic job. I am excited to meet the doctors and nurses here. Misty hopes I get “Jenn”. She was one of her favorite nurses when the twins were here. Wed. Oct 16 10:04 AM Doing skin to skin with him and loving every minute of it!! 12:45 PM Just held him for 2 ½ hours and when they put him back he woke up!! Thurs. Oct. 17 4:36 pm Blood test came back this morning with low enough numbers - shows his infection is almost gone. So they decided to take his iv out of his head. His oxygen is lowered to 26. We are seeing small improvements. He has been very alert and awake most of the day. 4:45 pm Well Austin got his first visitor today being in St. George! Mack Probst came by with Jon after work. He about crapped his pants on how little Austin is! But he is back up to his birth rate which is 5 lbs 3 oz. That is a really good thing! Fri. Oct. 18 5:22 PM He has another infection so he has another IV :( They are not sure, but questioning a UTI. They just barely put the IV back in him. He is waiting for the UTI test to come back. Sat. Oct 19 11:45 am My mom and Cozy brought the girls down to see Austin for the first time since he got moved to St. George. But just as they got here, we got told they are going to do a spinal tap and change his cpap to the ventilator within the next hour or two! So they couldn’t go up and see him. I feel so bad! Mylee is really struggling with all of this and she is mad at me for it. Every time I promise her she can see him, something comes up that they cant see him and it bites me in the butt. So Jon is going to take the girls home and spend the day with them to get their minds off of it. 12:11 pm Austin has another infection - put another IV in his head and have him on some antibiotics. I was holding him a little bit ago and he stopped breathing for an extended period (longer than I cared for) and his heart rate dropped down into the 80s. Thank heavens jon was in the room because I yelled at him to go find a nurse since I was stuck and couldn’t move cause of everything hooked up to him. It concerned the doctor enough that he drew blood. He didn’t like the results so he decided to put the ventilator down him and do the spinal tap now and draw some fluid to check for meningitis and a few other things. So I am going to lunch with my mom and sister while they do it to him! 8:29 pm Came home tonight to be with the girls. My mind is going in 100 different directions. They ran the spinal tap early today. I am nervous for the results but ready to find out what’s causing this little cowboy his grief. I love him so much. It kills me to be home with my girls cause I feel guilty for not staying with him. But when I am with him I feel guilty for not being with the girls. I just wish I could be in 2 different places at the same time. 9:51 pm Just got a call tonight with updates. Docs are questioning a few other problems he could have. They have 4 different antibiotics going right now in his IV. Bad news is all I have gotten today! Sun. Oct 20 5:57 am Got a phone call from Dr. Carrol needing consent from us to give him blood work because they cant get his blood to clot. We are headed down to hospital right now. This is when I really feel guilty for coming home to sleep. 11:00 am Dr. Carrol has ordered a head ultra sound so we are waiting for them to come do it. He is wanting to make sure there is no bleeding around the brain. He said with his blood not being able to clot he is just wanting to check! The veins going into your brain are very fragile and he just wanted to make sure none of them have ruptured! Also they are just coming in to do a stomach x-ray. He is starting to turn red on his stomach and its starting to get firm so they are wanting to keep a close eye on that! 12:00 pm Jon and Turley gave Austin a blessing awhile ago. I am so thankful for family being so close and willing to help out at the drop of a dime. So grateful for the priesthood and to have a husband and brother in law worthy to hold it so this little cowboy could be comforted! 12:19 PM They just got here to do the brain ultrasound! Can I just say how nervous I am. I am trying to stay positive but sometimes I just want to break down! I hope it goes good! I get to watch it get done! Wish us luck!! 1:49 pm He is having stomach problems. There is no air flowing through his intestines. If it continues to get worse, he will have to be life flighted up north for surgery! 1:51 pm His brain scan came back good! There is no blood around the brain which is what they were hoping to find!! Thank you Heavenly Father for listening to my prayers!! I am forever grateful! 2:02 pm Dr. Carrol has been talking to an infection specialist up north about what his thoughts were. Nothing is growing on the cultures they sent from the spinal tap so far. He is leaning more towards the stomach problem that’s causing all this. Dr. Carrol said we would know within 24-48 hours if he would need surgery or not! 5:35 pm We just got told we are getting life flighted. 7:08 pm Talk about a roller coaster ride....holding off to be life flighted. The surgeons up north said they won’t operate with him having an infection. They told Dr. Carroll to try a couple of other things . 7:52 pm Still don’t know where the infection is. They should have results tomorrow. The surgery would be on his intestine. But they don’t know for sure if the infection is causing the intestine problems or if he will need the surgery no matter what! 9:31 pm They gave him a little morphine cause you could tell he was in pain. It broke my heart to see his face expressions and know he is hurting! They just put a catheter in him so they could be more accurate on how much he is urinating. They are doing more stuff at midnight and might need more blood but they said that was normal. 9:57 pm He looks so much better than earlier! His coloring is so much better and he looks pink not grey/yellow! 10:07 pm I honestly have not been worried about Austin since last night. I said a prayer to my Heavenly Father last night to help me relax and be strong and I’m not kidding----I have had a good peaceful feeling since. Jon keeps asking what’s wrong with me - why none of this is bothering me and how am I staying so strong........well its my Heavenly Father blessing me. Mon. Oct 21 3:00 am They took ventilator out of him and hooked him up to the high frequency oscillator cause his swelling is making it so its pushing on his lungs and he can’t breath. 6:58 am Dr. Carroll just came in and told us he has sepsis. We are hoping results come back today from spinal tap sent in 2 days ago. 8:30 am Had a long night. Getting ready to do a stomach ultrasound. He is going to draw some of the fluid out of his stomach that he is swelling up with and test it to see if it has infection in it or not or any signs of stool in it. If they don’t find anything in the fluid under microscope then no surgery as of now. They finally gave him some morphine to relax him. I hate seeing him grimace from pain but I really hate seeing him lay here lifeless! I wish I could take every pain he is feeling away and let me be painful not him. I love him so much! 12:55 pm Herpes and Meningitis test came back negative which is a good thing but it only leaves 1 test left to have results. If it comes back negative - we are back to square 1 on not knowing what is wrong with him. 1:19 pm Dr. Ridout is coming in to do a pickline. He is going to have to do a cut down first cause he can’t see his veins! 1:30 pm There is a big group in Enterprise fasting today for Austin. Phyllis Cooper is the one that started it. I have had the best feeling all day and I know it is because of everyone fasting and praying for us. Whether its to help me be strong for Jon and the girls if things don’t turn out the way we are hoping or if its cause we are going to see miracles. Either way I know it is helping and I am so thankful for the community we live in. 4:30 pm His liver is not functioning. It is enlarged. They think it is some kind of viral infection that is the root of all of this. So its just pin pointing to the one viral infection and getting the right meds will hopefully eliminate all the other problems. 6:18 pm. Dr. Carrol and Tina (nurse practioner) just told us he tested positive for enterovirus and that he has a very small chance of making it. It has killed a big portion of his liver and has attacked other organs in his body. Even if they can get the virus to go away his liver may be too far damaged to heal itself. That has to be the WORST thing any parent can hear is that their child is more than likely going to die. I felt the room close in smaller and smaller and I couldn’t breath. Then the most peaceful feeling came over me and I knew I had to be strong for Jon. He fell apart. He has waited through 4 pregnancies to get his little boy to take hunting and cowboying and now his dreams are being shattered. It completely breaks my heart to see the hurt in Jon. I just hope and pray we can get through this. We have to keep staying positive and hopeful everything will work out for the best. Austin can do this....He can beat this!! 11:30 pm We had the privilege of giving our sweet baby and name and a blessing. Jon did such an amazing job. I am so thankful for all the family/friends that were here tonight and for everyone that traveled far to be a part of it. It reminds me how blessed I am to have the family I do and for their support they give. It was such a spiritual moment. I could feel Jon’s mom so close. Jon commented afterwards that if he could have opened his eyes while giving the blessing that he could have seen him mom. Tues. Oct 22 5:03 am. Still hoping we see a miracle today. WE WILL!! I read on facebook this morning that more and more people commented on Phyllis’ post opting in to fast for us yesterday! I felt so relaxed and at peace all day.....STILL DO!! I can feel my Saviors love for me. I honestly feel Phyllis was prompted by the spirit to hold a fast for us yesterday. She couldn’t have picked a better day. Because I don’t think I could have handled hearing those aweful heart breaking words the doctor told us last night if I wouldn’t have felt EVERYONES fastings and prayers. I will forever be grateful for everyone that did. 10:00 am He had the best night he has had since he got real sick. I slept better than I have since the past couple of nights. We switched doctors this morning. Dr. Carroll is leaving out of town for a week so we are getting Dr. Ridout. He is getting ready to come talk to us about blood work they ran this morning. Just waitintg it out!! They have taken him off of 1 of the 2 blood pressure medicines. Wahoo!! 10:45 am. Jon got to hold him for the 1st time!!! 4:30 pm I told Austin as I was holding his hand today his Daddy was very sad and torn up over him being sick and not healthy! I told him I loved him with all my heart and that I was OK. If Heavenly Father needs him more that I will try my hardest to be strong for his sisters and dad. I think my little Austin is worried about everyone. And if he does have to leave this earth I think he will hold on until he hears it come out of Jon’s mouth that Jon will be ok if he leaves! That is the hardest thing to have to tell your baby but I really felt like he needed to hear that come out of my mouth! 7:03 pm He is starting to pee!! He was only peeing around .6 ml an hour and now he is averaging 1.7 ml an hour. They are hoping 2-3 ml’s per hour but we will definitely take 1.7 ml. Step by step, whether they be big or small he is progressing forward. We HAVE to stay positive!! KerryAnn massaged his whole body today and you could tell he was LOVING every minute of it. It made me so happy to see him look like he wasn’t in pain. 8:58 pm They just changed his diaper and it weighed 73 which is more than he pee’d all day put together! I never thought I would be so proud of a diaper! I just hope his Kidneys continue to work. Wed. Oct 23rd 4:27 am Look at him!! He keeps peeing and look how much better he is looking! I know its only 4:30 in the morning but I wanted everyone to see how much better he looks! Just PLEASE pray this experiment drug works today and doesnt have any bad side affects on him!! I told him Cozy was going to spank him hard twice when he gets better but that she would only spank him once if he continued to show us good things! He raised his eyebrows when I told him - HE KNOWS!!! 6:30 am They started giving him blood pressure medicine again......Keep praying he can do this!! We have to have FAITH!! They are just going to put more fluid down him. But it’s OK. I still have a good feeling! People are still praying and fasting for him. I can feel everyone’s love. 8:07 am He is losing coloring and doesn’t look good with the eye but his vitals are all good. Dr. Ridout just checked him over. He wants to see him wake up so no morphine today unless absolutely needed. They took blood this morning to check numbers so hope its good news not bad! 8:36 am Other than putting him back on blood pressure medicine in the night, he had an excellent night! Just got blood work results back this morning. His liver count has dropped!! This means his virus is dieing off and its trying to heal itself or it means its too far dead to do anything more. We are hoping for the first one! HE CAN DO THIS!!! We have to keep praying and having faith. I know its helping him. 12:11 pm Experimental drug is here----hope it helps!! 2:31 pm Medicine is down him. The name of it is Pocapavir! Some of it came back up cause his stomach didnt tolerate it but they expected that cause he hasn’t had my milk for 6 days. This medicine is a 14 day process. He will get it once a day. He hasn’t had morphine since 8pm last night. They are trying to get him to wake up and be alert. The doctor is worried about his brain and any activity cause of the virus since that is where the fluid from the spinal tap came from. But we have to stay positive! Austin needs us more than we need him right now!! He can and will do this! 6:30 pm I got to change his diaper for the first time. I am so thankful the nurses let me do this. It sounds so dumb but it meant a lot to me. 8:06 pm The next 12-24 hours are going to determine if he lives! His brain shows no activity. I have a very peaceful feeling no matter the outcome. I know Heavenly Father is mindful of our situation and he will help us get through whatever happens! 8:20 pm I am not losing hope! Just starting to get a little anxiety! I have the best peaceful feeling but its so HARD cause I swear everyone has given up!! So its hard to stay up when everyone around here is down!! Everyone left here crying like was their good byes to him!! IT’S NOT!!!! I wish they would try and at least be positive around me!! I appreciate their support but it doesn’t help when you can honestly feel in the atmosphere such doubt and sadness! We need to be happy! We are blessed he came to our family and has at least got to spend this much time with us. I am FOREVER grateful for my sweet baby. I love him so much!! 10:30 pm Jon has gone out to the parking lot to try and get some sleep in the van! I said a prayer to my Heavenly Father earlier this evening. I have felt so strongly he is not going to make it. I didn’t have the heart to tell Jon! It is going to tare his heart to pieces. He was so excited and happy to finally get a boy so he could have a hunting buddy and a roping partner. I don’t know what to do. I guess I will try and let him get some rest. They hooked up a brain scan again a couple of hours ago. Dr. Ridout is concerned cause he hasn’t had any morphine since 8pm last night and he hasn’t showed any signs of waking up. He is questioning if the virus damaged his brain. So far he hasn’t shown any signs of brain activity. I just keep looking at the dang monitor wishing it would just start showing signs of activity! I want my baby to live so badly!!!! I never EVER thought I would have to ever go through something like this in my life. 11:15 pm They are giving him blood. We just need to keep praying. I know it’s helping! Thurs. Oct 24 1:58 am I called Jon and asked him to come in here and sit with me. I can’t do this anymore! I know we are going to lose him and I don’t know how I am going to get through this. I asked Jon to PLEASE let our baby know that he was going to be ok if Austin had to return home to our Heavenly Father! I told him Austin needed to hear it come out of his mouth. I think that is one of the most hardest things Jon has had to do but he DID it! I was so proud of him. I know it meant the world to Austin that his daddy told him he loved him very much and could return to heaven if that’s what needed to be done! I can feel Jon’s mom Nancy so close tonight! I know she is here with us helping us get through this!! I wish so bad she was here to give Jon a hug! I can’t imagine what he is going through after losing his mom and now his baby!! 3:30 am Jon went back outside. I don’t know if he will get any sleep or not! I am so grateful for his support and love towards me through all of this!! 6:00 am Dr. Ridout came in and asked if I would call jon to have him come back in here. So Jon came in for him to talk to us. The brain test has shown no activity since he hooked it up last night. He told us that there was nothing more they could do for him. It was now up to Austin and Heavenly Father as to what the outcome would be. He told us we needed to make a decision if we were going to pull the tubes and let him go. I knew deep in my heart this is what needs to be done but its just something you don’t want to have to do to your baby! 7:00 am Our little trooper has fought an incredible fight the past 12 days but Heavenly Father has decided his work on earth is coming to an end. I need everyone to stay strong for Jon and the girls. I hope they don’t suffer a lot from it. 9:00 am They just did a final brain test that is more accurate. It showed the same thing - no brain activity. It breaks my heart. 1:00 pm The doctor just pulled in all the family into Austin’s room and explained everything from the time he was born up until now so they would understand what happened to him. I am so thankful he was willing to do that so I didn’t have to try and explain it a thousand times. I am so thankful for all the family being here the past couple of days and for their support. I probably don’t say it to their face enough but they will never know how much it means to me. I just wish my sister Annie was here. I know how bad it is hurting her not being able to be here with the rest of my family. 2:00 pm Every member of both mine and Jon’s family that is here got to hold Austin today and say their goodbyes. I didn’t tell my girls he was going to die until they got to hold him. I feel like the worst parent in the entire world. Nancy is too little to really know what is going on. But Mylee started sobbing. I don’t know what to say to her to help her understand it fully. I wish so bad that I didn’t have to break her heart. Austin is the 5th grandbaby in Jon’s family to be born this year and what she said to me broke my heart - “why does Tammy, Chana, and Misty get to keep their babies and we don’t?” How do you tell a 5 almost 6 year old so they can understand? She doesn’t understand the plan of happiness fully. She doesn’t understand that even though we don’t get to keep him on earth that eventually we will see him again and be able to hold him. I HATE THIS!!!!!!! I wish it only affected me and noone had to suffer! family and Jon’s family took our kids and went to the park so they didn’t have to be here when we pull the plugs. 2:12 pm Jon is holding him for the last time. Oh how this breaks my heart to see his heart hurt so much.

1 comment:

Heidi Hamilton said...

Good for you for writing this down Jessie!! I'm sure it's so hard to re-live it when you read it, but one day you will be so thankful you wrote it all down. I know I am. As I read Austin's story, it truly is similar in many ways to Link's. Your entry about feeling torn - wanting to be with him and also knowing your girls needed you - was identical to a journal entry I made when Link was in the hospital. It was so hard. Also- the emotional roller coaster with having your baby in the hospital. You were stronger than I was through your journey, though. So faithful. I questioned and complained a lot. I understand about the hurt for our husbands. That's maybe what hurts me more - even though he doesn't say it, I know that it is heartbreaking for him to miss those "fathers & sons" campouts and taking him fishing and 4-wheeling. I love his cowboy name "Austin Wayne" - love his story and your incredible faith and closeness to the spirit. Thankful to have met you!!